Atheists Will Take Care Of Your Pet After The Divine Rapture, For A Price

For those of you counting down until the end of days, have you considered what’ll happen to your pets once you’re spirited away to heaven? Eternal Earth-Bound Pets has, and promises to care for your pet after the apocalypse.
For $110, Earth-Bound Pets’ “network of animal activists are committed to step in when you step up to Jesus.” If the rapture happens within 10 years of your first payment, your pet will be saved. There’s a limit of one pet per household, and additional pets are another $15.
Sadly, they are only equipped to handle dogs, cats, birds, rabbits, small caged mammals, and horses, camels, llamas and donkeys in certain states. Tough luck for the reptiles.
I’m sure you have a lot of questions, like how do we know this said atheist care giver won’t convert and get raptured away at the last minute? Also, what if Grandma gets left behind, can she take care of my dog over a stranger? The site answers all these queries in their FAQ section.

Q: How do you ensure your representatives won’t be Raptured.
A: Actually, we don’t ensure it, they do. Each of our representatives has stated to us in writing that they are atheists, do not believe in God / Jesus, and that they have blasphemed in accordance with
Mark 3:29, negating any chance of salvation.
Q: When the Rapture occurs, how long before my pet is rescued?
A: The timing is contingent on the number of subscribers we have in each state/region and travel distance. Our rescuers know that this is a time sensitive service. Pets’ lives are at stake. We will limit the number of subscribers in each zone so that any given rescuer will not be over burdened. Naturally, we must anticipate that there will be widespread chaos and confusion immediately following the Rapture that could impact travel times. Thus, we are targeting a maximum of between 18- 24 hours from realization of the Rapture, to animal rescue.
Q: What if one of my family members are left behind. Will you still take possession of my pet?
A: That depends. When the rescuer arrives, if your loved one wants to retain possesion of the pet, the pet stays in the home. We expect in these circumstances that the pet will offer the family member some comfort and stability given the trauma of what has occurred. If the family member prefers, we will adopt the pet per our contract.

Eternal Earthbund Pets “The next best thing to pet salvation in a post-rapture world”

By arkique

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